Switching Lives: Matt's Terribly Funny Ordeal
by DoraCatBuu
Summary: After keeping Mello up all night after a rejection, Matt finds himself arguing with his best friend over who has the harder life. After insults, Matt lives as Mello for a day. What will he make of it?


DISCLAIMER: I don't own Death Note. Unfortunately, I don't know who does, but I'm lucky I don't. Mello would come here himself and kill me if I did.

The morning was dull as Mello sat on the balcony of his small apartment, which overlooked the empty park below. He didn't exactly sleep well last night, though that part didn't bother him as much. He was used to sleeping poorly, especially since his work schedule was so edgy and unpredictable. But what he _did_ mind was the fact that he couldn't sleep because of the person he lived with. Matt. Matt had decided that, instead of sleeping like a normal person, he would drown out the fact that, yet again, another girl rejected him for a date. And, he did so by playing Halo 3 all night long, with the volume on their plasma television cranked to near maximum. Mello had _tried_ to tell him that he'd have to work the next morning, but Matt didn't appear to have heard, and now, Mello stood wide awake at 6.30 in the morning.

"Damn idiot doesn't know when to stop being a dumbass, does he?" he growled angrily, eye twitching as he looked over the banister to the park below, where only one man stood, feeding the ducks, "I should take that damn Xbox 360 and dump it into the river. Then I might actually get some damn sleep around here!" He snorted, imagining the sheer terror on Matt's face as he watched his prized system fall into the water, to spark and shortcircuit into complete and utter submission. The thought was appealing to Mello. He grinned.

"While I'm at it, I'll shoot his PS3, too," he decided viciously, "Yes. Clip after glorious clip right into the damned contraption. That'll teach him to keep me up until 4 in the damn morning!" Unfortunately, Mello wasn't alone. Near had come out onto his balcony, as he lived right next door, and raised a particularly concerned eyebrow as he overheard Mello ranting about shooting something. Mello twitched again as he asked, "What the hell do _you_ want, Near!?"

"...oh, nothing. I enjoy listening to the rantings of a madman straight from the corridors of insanity," Near grumbled sarcastically, watering a flower he was currently trying to grow. Mello twitched once more, angered further by Near's total lack of concern for his problems, which at the moment, consisted of showing Matt what revenge meant.

"_IT WAS MATT'S FAULT!_" he screamed, finally losing whatever sanity he did have left, "Some stupid girl he likes rejects him, and he decides that he should be allowed to do whatever the hell he wants! Never mind that _I_ have work! Never mind that _I_ needed my sleep! Nope, it was all about Matt!" Near sighed. If he had any hope to get in without Mello wanting to kill him, he'd have to either run away right then, or just listen to the man rant onwards.

"Mello, I'm busy, but it's pretty obvious this is bothering you," Near said calmly, watering another plant he kept, "So I'm just going to ask what happened." Mello stopped, turning to the younger boy. Near looked up, and nearly fell off his own balcony from the deranged look he was being given. He suddenly wished he hadn't even gotten out of bed that morning, but lo and behold, he just didn't have much of a choice.

"What's wrong with me!? What's _wrong_!? I'll tell you what's wrong!" Mello yelled, standing up on the railing, "_MATT WAS BORN! THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG!_" Near blinked, feeling very certain that, if Mello even had a shred of sanity the day they had met, it was surely forgotten now. Mello had been yelling so much that he successfully slipped off the balcony, landing in the shrubs two stories below, making the already insane boy scream with complete outrage as he scrambled up. Near simply looked over the banister, perking an amused brow.

"Why don't you just talk to Matt?" he suggested, "Wouldn't that help?"

"No it wouldn't!" Mello hissed, grabbing onto the gutter and climbing back up to his apartment that way, "It _wouldn't_ help to talk to him about how annoying he is! It wouldn't help to tell him _yet again_ that he's using _my_ game stations! Stuff that _I_ painstakingly stole for _myself_! It just wouldn't!" Near blinked again, his lips thinning as he tried his best to hold back a laugh. Normally, by now, he'd be locking his doors for fear that Mello would go berserk on him, but he simply found Mello's plight to be amusing. He simply shrugged as he put down the watering can.

"Well, whatever you wish to do, keep me out of it," he simply said, walking back inside his apartment, leaving Mello to climb back up to his own balcony himself. Mello grunted, and finally pulled himself over the railing, falling flat on his back. He simply stared up at the dawn sky, just for a moment as he collected his thoughts. Then, he kicked over a chair as he picked himself up, and stormed to the door leading into their living room. He decided he had no choice _but_ to talk to Matt. Thankfully, as he stormed into the living room, Matt was just waking up as he sluggishly walked out of his bedroom, his brown hair a complete mess as he fiddled around with his goggles. He just barely saw Mello standing in the doorway.

"Hey, Mel. How'd your sleep go?" he asked, finally figuring out how to put on his goggles. Mello's eye twitched as he leaned off of the doorway.

"Oh, you want to know how my sleep went, do you?" he asked gently, his voice steadily rising as his deranged grin returned, "Let me tell you, my _best_ friend. It was a _complete and total nightmare_! What the hell were you doing, playing Halo until 4 in the morning!? I _told_ you I had to work! Isn't that important!?" Matt blinked as he stared at Mello. Then, he sat down in a chair.

"Well, yeah, but you have to lighten up a bit, Mello. We're both young men; a one-nighter isn't the end of the world," he stated, but it did little to help Mello's mood. In fact, it seemed to just make him worse.

"End of the... Matt, do you forget where the hell I _work_!?" Mello asked him, exasperated, "I'm in the mafia! They're not going to give a shit why you kept me up so damn late! All they'll care about is if I can work, and if I can't, how quickly they can murder me for being such a damn screw-up! If I die, it's your fault! Do you hear me!? You'll be pinned for murder!" Mello breathed heavily, eye twitching again as he knelt down, too out of breath from his previous rantings with Near. Matt stood up, carefully walking over, and bent down to help Mello stand, walking him over to the couch.

"Okay, dude, seriously, you need to calm down a bit," Matt said sternly, "No one's going to kill you for lack of sleep. Here, I'll make you a triple shot of espresso. That should bring you up to par, right?" He backed away as Mello glared at him, eye twitching again. He should've been used to Mello's total lack of control, but it was clear Mello had it with him.

"No, Matt, it won't," he said, sighing, "Not even a double-chocolate fudge cake will help me now. I've had it. I'm sick of you constantly annoying the hell out of me with your problems. So a girl rejects you. That doesn't give you the right to keep _me_ up until God knows when so you can have fun shooting things. I have actual problems, and right now, trying to get myself motivated to get to work is one of them!" Matt blinked, raising an interested brow as Mello leaned back, looking at him critically.

"Dude, I have problems, too, you know," Matt told him, frowning, "You think it's easy sitting here waiting for you to get your ass back from the mob? I get worried I'll get a call from the police and have to bail you out of prison!"

"Oh, God forbid _you_ actually take care of _me_ for once," Mello growled, and Matt reeled back in anger, "You have it so damn easy, you know that? All I ever see you do is play your stupid video games, while _some_ of us decide to actually _work_ for a living!" Matt's fists clenched, and he stood up furiously, his goggles falling off in pure outrage as he glared at Mello, wishing the boy's innards would explode.

"What!? That is _not_ fair!" Matt yelled back, as Mello snorted, "I do more than just sit on my ass, asshole!"

"Oh really? What do you do then, Matt?" Mello retorted, looking up at Matt, "Enlighten me, if you will."

"Uh..." Matt blinked, as he had no true response for Mello. In all honesty, unless Mello actually did enlist his aid, all he _did_ do was play video games. But to hell if he let Mello think he was right again! Unfortunately, Matt's tongue wasn't nearly as sharp as he wanted it to be, for Mello inevitably got the next word in.

"Aha! You _do_ just sit on your ass all day!" Mello exclaimed, grinning triumphantly, "You wouldn't last a day as me!" Mello half-expected Matt to give in, but this time, Matt simply snorted with amusement.

"You shouldn't be too happy with that, Mel. You'd get so bored being me, you'll wish you _never_ said that!" Matt countered, emphasizing the word 'never.' Mello grunted and rolled his eyes, shaking his head. If Matt was going to be stubborn, he'd have to find a way to shake him out of it. And, he had just one idea. He didn't like it, but it'd let him rest... and might rid him of Matt for just a little while. Or, for longer, if Matt was killed somehow, which would be only too possible in Mello's line of work. And though he didn't like the thought of Matt actually dying, he did like the idea of Matt realizing he was right yet again and that Matt was a selfish brat.

"We'll see about that! Let's switch lives, you portable lung cancer!" Mello said, grinning psychotically and hoping that Matt would actually back down. But, Matt did no such thing. In fact, his own grin widened as they glared at each other.

"Bring it on, Mrs. Fields!" he said, and both of them shook on it, storming into the others' rooms to get dressed and begin their new lives. Half an hour later, Mello came out wearing a red shirt with black stripes, beige pants, and a fluffy white vest, complete with a pair of Matt's goggles on his face. He looked... well, absolutely ridiculous to his standards, but he DID look like Matt. Save for his hair, which he refused to change. Likewise, Matt came out shortly after in a leather vest, leather pants, with leather belts wrapping around his waist, complete with long leather boots. On said belt, two guns sat in their holsters, and on his face sat yet another pair of his red goggles, the one thing he refused to rid himself of. Mello stared in complete and utter jealousy, as Matt did look much better than he did in leather. Matt grinned and said, "Is that a look of jealousy, Mel?" Mello's eye twitched furiously.

"I want my damn leather back!" he screamed, stamping his foot as Matt laughed, "At least give me my guns!" Matt shook his head, and took both out, twirling them around as millions of women in America died from sudden heart attacks. His grin widened as Mello's eye twitched again, unable to handle seeing Matt actually _looking better_ than he did. And it made him hate Matt even more.

"And miss out on being the hottest hit man in the entire world?" Matt asked, "I don't think so, dude. I'm going to _love_ being you! Now, where do you work again?"

"I'm not telling you!" Mello yelled, as Matt simply snorted and looked on the fridge, where they kept their addresses. He scrolled down the list, coming to the one where Mello currently held occupation as Mello continued to shout insults at him. He simply ignored it as he walked to the door, opening it up as fresh air poured into their apartment. He looked back and tossed Mello his Nintendo DS.

"Have fun playing video games all day, Mel!" he called cheerfully, as Mello picked up the game system and growled, "Try not to download anything illegal when I get back." Then, he was gone. Mello stared at the door, eye twitching in hatred. He was furious now. His plan was backfiring magnificently, and yet the only one he could possibly blame was himself. In one last desperate attempt, he threw the DS on the floor.

"_I HOPE YOU GET RUN OVER BY A TRUCK!_" he screamed, but received no response. Picking up the DS, Mello stormed over to the couch and flopped down, turning it on. Pokemon was the last game Matt had played, and Mello grinned, getting a suddenly awesome idea to pay Matt back for being cooler than he was. He'd mess up Matt's game AND wear down the battery so much, that Matt would have to buy a new DS when he returned! It was genius, except that Mello had never actually played Pokemon before. When he saw that all Matt had in his party was a Skitty, he snorted and said, "I could probably use this to blackmail him." Then, he set to playing the game.

Meanwhile, Matt was cruising through the streets on Mello's motorcycle, glancing around as he came to the street where Mello now worked. So far, the day was going awfully well for him. He received free coffee at the local coffee house, and got one of the waitress's phone number as well, something that never failed to make him smile. Finally spotting the correct address, which looked amazingly like a decrepit, abandoned building, Matt parked the bike in the back and hopped off. He walked to the back door, where two large men sat, each one glaring at him.

"'Scuse me, my good men," he said calmly, "Gotta talk to the boss about work." Both men glanced at each other, and then one snorted, shaking his head.

"I see you think you're Mello, but we're not letting you inside, punk," he stated, "Get lost before we gun you." Matt frowned, realizing he might have hit a snag in proving Mello wrong.

"Wait. Before you shoot me, this was entirely Mello's idea," Matt began, as both men stared at him, "I'm his friend. See, he thinks I do nothing but sit on my ass all day, so to prove him wrong, we switched lives for a while. I know I'm not Mello, but hell, I'm even better than he is!" Both men blinked, and one took out a cell phone as the other continued to simply stare at Matt, wondering if he was lying or actually being serious. The first man spoke quickly on the phone, and then nodded, hanging up. He looked down at Matt.

"We don't approve of this kind of shenanigans, but the boss is pretty damn interested to see how this'll actually turn out," he said sternly, "Get inside before we shoot you." Matt grinned, and ran in the back entrance, the door slamming shut once he was safely inside. It was dark; absolutely no light seemed to exist, save for what came through the sparse amount of windows in what looked like a dining area. Matt shivered, realizing how creepy Mello's job could easily become. Glancing around nervously, he stepped forward. Nothing jumped at him. He continued on toward what looked like a well-furnished, but very dusty, living room and suddenly wondered why Mello even bothered living with him at all as he looked at all of the furniture decorating the room. The couch and chairs were all made of leather, something that, aside from Mello's clothing, they didn't have. A huge television sat on a marble table, bigger than the one Mello managed to steal on one of his jobs. Chandeliers decorated the ceilings, dusty as they were, giving the place a regal feeling... or as regal as it could be considering Mello's line of work. Matt walked over to the couch, sitting down until he saw that there were others in the room with him. And, they were all watching him.

"So, you're the punk the boss says to let do whatever you want, eh?" one of them asked, taking out a cigar, "What'd you do to piss him off? Mello doesn't let just anyone take his job."

"Hey, he's the one who insulted me!" Matt exclaimed, standing right back up, "In fact, this is _his_ fault to begin with! Why, just sit up and I'll _tell_ you why your _boss_ decided to hand the reigns over to me!"

"Ooooh, is this like story time at the library?" one man asked, as everyone else in the room stared at him, "...what!?" No one answered his outburst. Instead, they all leaned closer, interested in just whatever Matt was going to tell them. He glanced at each of their interested expressions and silently grinned. He doubted even Mello could keep the mafia this interested.

"Okay, well, it was a bright, sunny day as I walked out of my room, trying to clear my head from the previous night spent killing anything that moved on Halo 3," Matt began, wondering just how bad he should make Mello look for what was, in his mind, an innocent misunderstanding on his part, "All of the sudden, Mello barges in like a SWAT team and starts yelling at me about how irresponsible and annoying I am _just_ because I didn't go to sleep on time last night. Then, he starts insulting me! For no reason, he calls me all these names! I cook for him, I clean his room, I even let him use my XBox, and he makes fun of me! Now, guys, you all know that self-defense is important, right?" Everyone in that room stared at each other, murmuring until one brave gunner spoke.

"You... you shot Mello?" he asked timidly. Matt nearly laughed, falling out of his seat. He never meant to imply that he killed Mello, but to hear it so shyly from the _mafia_ just made him giggle. He shook his head, climbing back up into the seat.

"Of course not! He's my best buddy," Matt replied, and then his voice grew darker, "But the verbal assaults didn't end there. Angrily, I fought back using my own sharp wit, which is much better than Mello's, because I told him he'd _die of boredom from being me_! And there's _truth_ in that statement! HE didn't give me truth. HE gave ME flack for playing video games."

"He did!?" another man exclaimed, standing up and slamming a fist onto the table, "But video games are awesome! Why, I just stole Grand Theft Auto VI for my nephew last month and he _loves_ it! He just learned how to hijack a taxi without being arrested! That's _prime education_ right there!" Everyone else, save for Matt, cheered and nodded in agreement, and inside, Matt couldn't help but feel victorious. With the way things were going, Mello would be overthrown in less than an hour at that rate!

"I _tried_ to tell him how unreasonable he was being, but it didn't help!" Matt continued, "I even offered to make him some coffee, and he pretty much took the pot and dumped it on my head! Now, guys, don't get me wrong. Mello's like my brother, but even a gentle, kind, loving, charming, charismatic soul like mine has a limit. I told him _kindly_ to calm down before our neighbor heard, but he told me to fuck off. So, after dodging his terrifying gunshots, I gave him a suggestion. That we switch lives so he can see just how responsible and wondrous I truly am. Somehow, someone must have possessed him, since he actually agreed to it, but I think it's because secretly, he knew I was right." Matt knew very well he was _lying_ about half of what happened, but the mafia continued to listen with extreme intent, and so, he paused dramatically.

"So, what happened?" another man asked, raising an interested brow, "Did he try to slug you?"

"No, but he threatened to kill me when I came out in his leather clothing," Matt replied, grinning as he thought of how to lie to them once more, "He was _jealous_ of me because I'm so damn good-looking. He said he'd run me over with a truck if I didn't get out of his sight. So, being the totally laid-back best friend I am, I left, praying with my heart that he'd cool down and not scare the little kids living next to us as he went on his divine fury. And, I ended up here. I just hope he's cooling down. I can't bear to think of what he's doing to those poor, poor orphans." Matt looked on as every man in that room looked down, shaking their heads with disapproval. If he intended to make Mello look bad, the mention of orphans did the trick. They looked at each other quickly, and feeling satisfied, Matt stood up and went to get himself a soda.

"Wow, I never knew our boss was such an asshole," one man stated, looking down, "Those poor orphans! When he gets mad, Mello gets freakin' _pissed_."

"And considering the fact that he's also an orphan, you'd think he'd have more compassion for those poor, homeless children!" another man exclaimed, "We should go and help them!" Matt froze when he heard this. There were no children to save, but if they found that out, he might very well be dead, since he did just pull off a really big lie. Silently, he cursed. He'd have to do something so they didn't get anywhere near Mello. Quickly, he racked his brain for an idea, but none appeared to be processing in his mind. That was, until the phone beeped. Everyone looked at Matt as the theme from Zelda played to signal to him that Mello was calling him. Biting his lip, Matt picked up the phone.

"Yeah?" he asked, shivering as he wondered just how pissed off Mello would be with him. To his surprise, Mello wasn't.

"Oh, I'm looking to see just how much of a mess-up you're turning out to be and if you're ready to switch lives back," Mello said smugly over the phone, "By the way, nice Skitty. I think I'm going to release it and catch a real Pokemon." Matt walked back into the kitchen, and glared at the phone angrily. Mello was messing with his game! His pokemon! _His SKITTY!_ His eye twitched as the scene played in his mind: Mello cruelly abusing a cute, pink, fluffy kitty for _no reason_! It made his blood boil!

"Mello, leave my Skitty alone, you asshole!" Matt hissed angrily, "It took me forever to get it to level 99! Release it and your chocolate's going in the toilet!" He heard Mello laugh hysterically, and then the phone hung up. Matt's eye twitched again. If he went home and found his beautiful pokemon gone, Mello was going to be dead. Notebook, gun, knife, poison, Matt didn't care. No one messed with _his_ pokemon and lived to tell the tale of it! Angrily, he stormed back into the living room. Everyone once again looked at him as one timid man asked, "What did the boss want, boss?"

"We're going on a stupid mission," Matt growled, no longer in as good a mood since his 'best friend' called him, "He wants us to kidnap someone." Everyone looked at each other, murmuring at the prospect of another kidnapping. They were, after all, pretty decent at kidnapping. The timid man asked, "Who?" Matt growled. This was becoming frustrating, especially since he was the reason it was getting so bad. He had to think quickly, and only one name popped into his head.

"Near," he replied, "He's a troublemaker and Mello wants him taken down." That part, thankfully, wasn't _exactly_ a lie. Mello did hate Near, though Matt didn't actually know why. Nor did he bother to question. But, for now, he simply prayed his lie would work. And, it did. Everyone looked at each other, and then at Matt. He remained silent. Finally, they all nodded.

"Okay, yeah, we'll kidnap this punk for the boss," one guy finally said, "Just tell us where he's at, boss, and we'll take that little rodent down!" Matt's skin paled a bit as the man began to rile EVERYONE in that room up, finally to the point of them all saying "_For Mello!_" over and over again. Matt sighed and shook his head. That'd have to do. He just prayed this didn't get him killed as he walked toward the door leading to a decrepit garage, with his ragtag bunch of overly strong men following him. Four cars all stood in the garage, and Matt looked at them all, blinking. He had no idea which one Mello would choose, and if he was going to _look_ like Mello, he'd have to _act_ like him, too. He decided on the second one: a sleek, black Eclipse with a bat on the front of it. He grinned, and snapped his finger as someone handed him a set of keys. He walked over, and opened the driver's seat door, climbing in. It was then that fear gripped him again. This was going to be dangerous, and now he began to regret challenging Mello at all. He was no hit man; he was a gamer. His breathing became shallow with nervousness.

'_Just relax, dude. Play it on your strength, not Mello's,_' came a voice that sounded none too different from his own. In fact, it _was_ his voice. His grin widened as he leaned back in his seat, his team of merry mafia men debating who went where. He looked in the mirror, where his reflection stared right back.

"Yeah... yeah! I have lots of strength!" Matt told himself, "I mean, hell, I'm the _best_ at Pilot Wings! Yeah! This can be like Crazy Taxi!" His grin reached full width just as two men climbed into the car with him, both wondering what and who he was talking to. They strapped themselves in, and Matt started up the car as he saw others climbing into another vehicle. One of his teammates handed him a remote as he asked, "What's this for?"

"The battery-powered car next to us," the man replied, "No one drives it. We usually use it as a decoy or for holding our gear." Matt looked at the remote, and snickered. He could only imagine the fun he could be having with this, and suddenly liked being in the mafia much, much more. He set it on the dashboard.

"Sweet!" he exclaimed, and as the doors opened, he drove off into the street, "So... what does Mello normally do when we're driving around like this? Does he talk to you guys?"

"Nah, he normally gets all pissy and moody," the man in the backseat replied, "Sometimes he'll say 'I'd better get something good for this' or 'I hope to hell I luck out and die on this' depending on what his missions actually are. You know, if he weren't my boss, I'd tell him my son beats emos like him up every day." Matt snorted, as he continued cruising down the road, his team following behind him. He hummed the tune to Mario Brothers... until a flash of light hit his car from high above.

"Damn it!" he screamed, as he became momentarily blind from such a flash, braking for dear life as his team screeched to a stop farther behind, "What the hell!?" He looked up, and to his horror, saw a helicopter with the letters "NPA" stamped on it in red. He swore again. Leave it to those morons to screw his first, and probably last, mission up! His eye twitched, wondering just what Mello would do to solve this problem. He'd probably shoot them, but Matt was unarmed, having left his guns in the living room. Then, his eyes fell on the remote control used for the van back at the base. He looked forward. There was a moving ramp right in the middle of the road, and if he aimed just right... he grinned again, and grabbed the remote right off the dashboard, just as someone stuck their head out of the helicopter window.

"Stop, in the name of the law, Mello!" he yelled nervously, "We're not letting you get Near!" Matt blinked, wondering just how the hell they knew what he was doing. His first thought went to Near being psychic, but that seemed too impossible. Someone on the inside, someone in the mafia, must have told them! If Mello found out, assuming he didn't kill Matt first, he'd probably kill every member in his gang. Matt twitched again. He'd save Mello that trouble after this was done; he'd ram them all with his new car instead. But, for now, he had a new problem, and with his remote, a slight chance of stopping it. He pressed a button, and immediately, the remote-controlled van sped out past them, raging up the ramp, and finally soaring into the air. Everyone watched in sheer amazement as the car rushed through the air, revving onwards, and then slammed right into the helicopter, both igniting upon impact. Both fell into the water far, far below, and after that, a moment of silence ensued. Then, one man looked over at him in complete and utter confusion.

"You... you just killed a helicopter with our van!" he yelled in disbelief, "Do you have any idea how pissed off the boss will be!?" Matt simply watched as flames died down from the explosion. Right then, as he looked at the dying inferno, all fear of Mello's rage left him. It was like watching the ending of a long-standing RPG, with the stars twinkling and the sun slowly setting... except that it was mid-morning, and there were no stars for him to see. Just fire. Fire and Matsuda jumping out of the fiery ruins with a parachute. Then, when the fire died down completely, reality slugged him in the face again, and he realized with terror that his team was right; Mello would be furious if he saw this destruction!

"...come on, men, we have a job to do!" he said quickly, pushing everyone back into their respective vehicles, "Less gawking, more running!" Then, he got into his car and led them off again. This was turning into a slowly worse and worse bet as the day wore on, and now he had no choice but to take them to Near, even with NPA all over them. If he didn't, they'd know he pretty much lied to them all for the entire time of him being there. But, even if he did, Mello was bound to blurt out what really happened, and that would definitely be the end of him, since _Mello_ would probably kill him for his lies. Fear racked him as he drove, and as his eye twitched, he lost sight of the fact that he was beginning to drive in the wrong lane, causing frustration and mayhem for the other drivers as they honked their horns to get his attention. But, Mello's angry face was too much. The two men in the car with him glanced at each other nervously.

"Er... boss, you do know you're driving recklessly, right?" one of them asked, but Matt didn't respond. The sheer terror of now being trapped in a lose-lose situation froze his mind as he continued on toward his apartment complex like a zombie. Three times, he nearly mowed down a pedestrian, and it was only when they came to a red light and he nearly smashed into a truck did one of the men intervene by slamming the emergency brake, yelling, "What the hell are you doing, boss!? This isn't how Mello handles driving at all! I thought you said you were better than him!" Matt blinked, and Mello's tyranny of terror on his mind ended as he realized he did break a multitude of road rules. He blushed.

"Er... I was... _testing_ you! See, I just wanted to make sure you guys were up to snuff with the rules of the road!" Matt said quickly, cursing himself for yet another lie, "And you guys passed!" One man simply raised a concerned eyebrow as Matt continued onward when the light turned, but the other cheered loudly as Matt turned the corner.

"Yay! I've never passed _anything_ in my life!" he shouted, "Finally, I can call my mom and tell her I _made_ something of myself!" Matt bit his lip, wondering why the mafia didn't count as anything important to the man as he pulled into a parking space and stopped the car. Then, he climbed out, with his two men coming as well, and his other teammates parking a little farther down. When they all gathered, one of them looked around and said, "Boss, why're we stopping at the boss's place?"

"Near kind of... lives next door to us," Matt said nervously, praying that Mello either wasn't there or was too busy playing video games to notice. Without another word, he led his team into the lobby, where the receptionist immediately dove under his desk. They ignored him as they stormed the stairs, Matt wishing they'd stop making so much noise, until they reached the seventh... and final... floor. Matt grinned, realizing he was close, and continued on until Mello came out. Matt froze. As did everyone else; Mello was still in Matt's clothing, holding his DS. Matt's eyes widened as he said, "Mello! Nice to see you, buddy!"

"Boss... what the hell are you wearing?" one man asked as another said, "You look... er... nice?" Mello gave them all flat looks, and to Matt, he grinned.

"I heard the sound of an Eclipse and knew you were either ramming innocent people or trying to be me, so I figured I'd watch as you screwed yourself to your grave, my dear, _best_ friend," Mello said mockingly. Matt grumbled and stomped onwards, stopping right at Near's door as Mello asked, "Why the hell are you visiting _him_!?" Matt said nothing as he pressed his ear to the door. There was no sound. Was Near even home? Matt didn't know, but if he wasn't, this might actually work out! He grinned, and took out a gun, shooting the lock off. Then, he broke down the door.

"_FREEZE, NEAR!_" he screamed, as everyone in his gang ran in, saying, "_GET DOWN OR DIE, PUNK!_" Unfortunately for Matt, Near was right there, and looked up at them all flatly as the card castle he was trying to build fell over. Mello snorted as he walked inside.

"Hello, Matt," Near said flatly, "I've been waiting for you to show up." Matt blinked. How did Near know he was coming!? His eye twitched as Near said, "Well? Aren't you going to try kidnapping me?" Mello blinked, and then turned to Matt.

"...were you _seriously_ going to _kidnap NEAR_!?" he asked, "Matt, what the hell were you thinking!?"

"Boss, the boss said this was _your_ idea," one man told him, scratching his head in confusion, "Don't yous remember calling him? That pretty Zelda theme was playing and all." Mello growled, glaring at Matt, who laughed and nervously backed away. Then, Mello simply lost it as he flew at Matt, screaming and aiming to strangle the boy. He and Matt crashed to the floor, each one clawing at the other, either to kill or just run away, until Near coughed, silencing their fight as Mello asked, "What the hell is it, Near!?"

"I just want to know whose idea this actually was," Near said calmly, "I don't care that you both want me dead, I just want to know who actually started this."

"It's Matt's fault!" Mello yelled as Matt screamed, "Mello started it!" Near sighed, shaking his head. He knew better than to ask _them_. He turned to the men behind them, who were still staring confusedly at them both. When they realized Near wanted an answer, they looked at each other, murmuring.

"Well... Matt kind of said the boss wanted you to be kidnapped, and the boss _did_ say to let Matt lead," one of them finally offered, as Mello stood up in disbelief, "So, I think it's the boss's fault." Near snorted, and snapped his fingers as two police cops appeared from the balcony, both grabbing Mello by the arms.

"_WHAT!?_" Mello screamed, "_THIS ISN'T MY FAULT! MATT'S LYING, YOU IDIOTS!_" The cops turned to Matt, but he merely smiled, taking off his goggles and blinking at them innocently. They shrugged, and Mello yelled, "_STOP BEING CUTE!_ Damn it, _arrest_ him! He's _LYING!_" The cops turned to Mello and frowned.

"Kid, how could such a sweet, innocent boy cause so much havoc without inside help?" he asked, and Matt grinned smugly, causing Mello to scream in utter outrage, "Stop harassing the citizens and let's go, punk." With that, they dragged Mello out of the apartment, try as he might to simply struggle and get away. But, somehow, he was unable to break free. Matt laughed, watching as they strapped him into a police car and drove off, wondering just how Mello would escape this. If he could. Silence ensued for another minute as Near closed the balcony doors.

"So... what now?" one man asked, "The boss is being booked, so we can't work." Matt looked around, and then grinned. He was pretty much home, which meant he had his Xbox. And his games. And his _Skitty_, which he missed dearly.

"Let's go to my place and play Halo for a while. My treat," Matt offered, and got cheers and hoots of happiness as a response. He was about to walk out, and then saw Near sigh, picking up all his stray cards. Matt looked down for a moment, and then grinned as he asked, "Near, do you want to come and join us?" Near blinked, and then looked up at Matt. They had never really spent much time together, since Mello was always with Matt, but now... with Mello possibly in jail, Near liked the idea. He nodded.

"Sure. I'll play with you," he said, and walked out of his apartment with Matt, going right next door, where Mello's men were currently setting up Midnight Club. And, that afternoon, aside from the cheers of glee from the mafia, all that could be heard were Mello's screams of anger and hatred toward his best friend, who seemed to have completely won their bet. And, Mello's job along with it.

--(End Chapter)

And so, it looks like everything ended well for everyone except Mello! Hard to believe he's actually my favorite character, huh? Anyway, I thought this would be a hysterical idea, because while everyone seems to adore Matt, he doesn't have any actual screen time until he's about to die. This was my comical attempt to see how he'd fare if HE were in charge of the mafia. Sorry about the OOCness, but in all honesty, I think it came out really well for my first Death Note fiction, seeing as how most of what I worked with came from friends and the few episodes I do manage to watch after SNL. So, read on and click that Review button and tell me what you thought!


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